Bro Scavenger Hunt

My first night in DC I was scheduled to visit my friend Fidel. Things weren't going well with her d bag boyfriend and we needed to have a big night out to take her mind off of it. We decided what better way to do so than with a bro scavenger hunt. Now Fidel and I go way back to 7th grade and ever since then we have been classifying people and giving them nicknames. We took it a step farther this time by integrating tasks to perform with points. I will also just say that this hunt fell apart within the first half hour, due to extremely large tequila shots. But we still have the documentation for it and I am very excited to try it out again. This particular one is tailored for bars in DC but can also be tweaked as needed. Here it is:

Bro Scavenger Hunt

The Masshole- Easily spotted by his backwards Red Sox hat, this bro can be found screaming at baseball on tv while pounding a Sam summer. He is from "just outside" of Boston and is doing an internship/relocated to the District. His wicked cool accent gets magically more pronounced as he drinks. After a few drinks, the Masshole's boyish good looks often overpowers his asshole-ish personality, so be careful. They tend to flock to Rhino Bar.

The Southern Preppy Bro- Lilly Pulitzer, Vineyard Vines, Brooks Brothers, Ralph Lauren, Burberry, Lacoste: If you cannot noticably see one of the above logos, then you do not have a true Southern Preppy Bro (SPB). The SPB is easily spotted in a crowded bar due to the bright color of this creature's clothing (generally pink, purple, yellow, floral, etc). The SPB may also be wearing Ray-Bans or Maui Jims inside the bar (or they will be hanging from his stylish croakie). The SPB can be quite the gentleman, but do not be fooled by his chivalrous actions, he is still a bro. Fortunately, the SPB is good for at least a whiskey shot.

The Hill Bro-Not to be confused with the DC Bro, the Hill Bro is his own breed. His distinguishing feature is that although he is in a suit in a bar on a Friday night, he is also ridiculously wasted at an early time (every hour is happy hour when you work on the Hill in the summer). That considered, this bro must be captured early (i.e. by 7:30pm), before he completely blacks out and ends up passed out in his single bedroom in his Capitol Hill Apartment. The Hill Bro is boastful since he obviously works for the most important Senator/Representative and is making such the difference in his grunt job (stuffing envelopes is so important). It is easier to find Hill Bros in the summer, as they come in droves and leave by the end of August.

The Hipster Bro- The Hipster Bro can be found in abundance on H Street (and in Dan's Café). Don't be alarmed if the Hipster Bro's pants are tighter than yours or if his haircut is super edgy and stylish. The downfall of the Hipster Bro is that he is probably too cheap to buy you a drink (not even a PBR) and may be surrounded by scary Hipster girls.

The Law School Bro- "Did I tell you that I am in law school?" The Law School Bro is similar to a puffy bird who likes to stare at himself in the mirror--he loves himself and thinks that he is the f-ing man (because he is in law school, did you know?). Similar to the Hill Bro, the Law School Bro is a raging alcoholic who is still living the college dream (even though he has been out of college for a very long time). The Law School Bro also thinks that he is still 21 and can be found frequenting fine undergrad establishments such as George and Smith Point (because Law School Bro has so much money from his student loans). The Law School Bro is good for a short conversation and probably at least one drink, but steer clear of anything else unless you want to hear him talk about himself all night.

The NYC Bro- The NYC Bro can be found in the District because he will be visiting a friend from college (possibly a Georgetown or Law School Bro). The NYC Bro works in finance and loves (note LOVES) saki bombs. He gets minimal sleep but usually has a great deal of cash with which he will buy you copious amounts of alcohol. He will rave about how the bars in New York are so much better than DC, except the truth is Spring Lounge and Back Fence really aren't that cool. He will live generally in Murray Hill, the Upper East Side or possibly the East Village. He spends his summer at his Hamptons share--you will be invited yet never go. This Bro is slick because he is out of his element and will be on his toes. He is good for lots of free drinks and possibly a dinner (asian fusion or pub food if he is lazy) if you are in NYC but you will never hear from him again if you don't put out. After all, he lives in NYC, which has the best-looking girls in the world. And these Bros like to keep busy!

The Jersey Shore Bro- Although the Jersey Shore Bro can be found in great abundance in places where there are mass amounts of white trash (i.e. Syracuse, New York), the Jersey Shore Bro will sometimes make an appearance in the District. The Jersey Shore Bro will be wearing his sunglasses at night and fist pumping to whatever sweet techno beat the trashy club is playing. The Jersey Shore Bro has a sweet body (earned by protein shakes, muscle milk, and other concoctions from GNC), but may be the color of the oompa loompa. It is not recommended to take a picture next to this bro, as you will look like a ghost (no matter how tan you are) and you probably don't want documentation that you were talking to a male wearing a bedazzled shirt. The Jersey Shore Bro is a sweet talker and will try to pull you too close as he whispers sweet incoherent loving into your ear (careful, you may get blinded by his lovely bling). The Jersey Shore Bro is good for a few shots and at least one mixed drink.

The DC Bro- The DC Bro is the tool in the bar at 1am Friday night/Saturday morning still wearing a suit or blazer. The DC Bro thinks that he is doing such important work and is most likely not that good looking. The DC Bro is predominant once the bars close at establishments such as Jumbo Slice, Julia's Empanadas, Amsterdam Falafel, or Ben's Chili Bowl. The DC Bro is kind of boring and a full monet. He will most likely not buy you a drink (or cheese fries) since he makes $30K in a shiesty job.

The Athlete Bro- The Athlete Bro is ridicuously good looking and travels in packs of other Athlete Bros. The Athlete Bro plays/played soccer, lacrosse, or some other man sport (no football/basketball player thugs) in college. The Athlete Bro will probably be drinking Bud Light while he watches TV at the Bar. Fortunately, the Athlete Bro takes good care of his body and is a fine specimen for a bar makeout.

The State School Bro- This Bro travels in packs, usually with a group of bros that attended the same college as himself. This is usually any Virginia state school (GMU, JMU, and especially VT) but it is also expanded to UMD, Penn State and possibly Umass. These Bros are usually found at the bar after a day playing on their kickball/football/bocce ball league and will not hesitate to pounce (they hunt in packs as well). On days in which they are not participating in organized douche-baggery you can follow the scent trail of Aqua di Gio and spot them sporting a button-up with Adidas sneakers (hello 1999). Once in their circle you will be forced to down multiple jager shots. You will be written about in their chain emails they send amongst themselves and if you are unlucky enough this Bro will recite excerpts from the emails to you the morning after. Can especially be found in Clarendon bars.

The Too Old to be a Bro Bro- This Bro has been living in the district for 5-10 years yet he still frequents bars in Adams Morgan and Georgetown looking for fresh meat (the younger the better). This Bro may fool you--he is well-established, possibly drives a German car and lives alone, but beware--he is still a Bro. His time is running short before he needs to settle down and he is going to make the most of it, especially at his buddies' weddings where no hot bridesmaid will be left alone. If captured by this Bro you will be upgraded to shots of Jamison. You may also notice him scanning the room at all times, even with his arm around you.

The Grad School Bro- The Grad School Bro is not to be confused with the Law School Bro. This Bro's distinguishing feature is his longer, disheveled hair coupled with a mismatched outfit (he may or may not be wearing some form of green khaki pants with a clashing short sleeve button up shirt). Although the Grad School Bro may seem harmless, he is one of the worst. Like a dog in heat humping a tree, the Grad School Bro will attempt to impress you by spouting off his vast amount of intellectual knowledge. Once he thinks that he has captured you, the Grad School Bro will try to play intellectual mind games while feeding you excuses for his flakiness ("I have a 25 page paper on blah blah blah...).

The Foreign Bro- This greasy Bro hails from across the pond. There are three subcategories of this "exotic Bro": 1) the Middle Eastern Bro He reeks of money and cologne. He can be spotted by a Burberry polo shirt and a Louis Vuitton messenger bag. He will also most definitely have a Gucci wallet. He can be found at any expensive club or lounge, at a table with bottles of Grey Goose. His level of drunkeness is slim to none and his stare will bore into you all night. 2) the South American Bro Usually Argentine or Brazilian. This bro will be doing the same as his counterpart, the Middle Eastern Bro, but he will approach you and be relentless. The drinks will flow with these Bros but you will be subjected to wandering hands and possibly made to dance. They are also quite fickle and will be on the lookout for any other pretty girl. Their level on drunkeness is moderate. 3) the Anglo Bro these saucy bros are mosly British and Australian (the most dangerous), but can also be Irish and Scottish. They can be spotted by their soccer or rugby jerseys but can be heard from kilometers away, chanting a fight song and pounding the table. They are charming initially because of their accent but as the night progresses you won't understand a damn word they say. They are only after one thing and will not take no for an answer (do not show any interest or be prepared to fight). They are fully aware of American girls' soft-spot for an accent and will not hesitate to milk this. Their level of drunkeness is through the roof and will drink more than any human being you have ever seen.

Tasks for Scavenger Hunt:

Bro buys the drink (beer/hard alchohol): 1 point

Bro buys shots: 2 points

Bro buys jagerbombs: 3 points

Picture with Bro (only the Bro): 1 point

Picture with a pack of Bros: 2 points

Picture wearing the Bro's sunglasses/hat/scarf/etc: 3 points

Get the Bro's number: 1 point

Get the Bro to fill out Mad Libs: 5 points

Invited to group of Bros' table: 4 points

Know someone that the Bro knows: 3 points

Say something ridic to a Bro yet still get a drink and/or attention: 4 points

Bro compliments you in a nice way, ie "you are pretty": 3 points

Bro compliments you in a Bro-ish way, ie "nice ass": 4 points

Bro puts hand on your waist or his arm around you: 3 points