Really, I don't know what came over me. Too much time in NYC without a break, too much partying and not enough sleep, being fed up with boys? Probably a combo of all.
It all started the day after my bender. I felt bad that we had lost Slonks the night before, especially since I was not sure that we would see him again, before he moved to Denmark. To be with his girlfriend. Probably my cue to stay away. But did I do that? Nope. So I friended him on Facebook and sent him a message apologizing for losing him. He responded positively and said that we should hang out again the next weekend. A few exchanges back and forth and we made tentative plans to meet up. And to my slight surprise, Friday evening he texted, asking what my plans were. I had to go to a bday party in the LES and he said he was heading to that area.
But first I had to intervene on Atl's bad date at Sons of Essex. She had met this guy a couple nights ago at one of GA's events. She had drunkenly agreed to go out with him and since she was drunk, had not realized that he was a pretty huge tool. He was boring and condescending, which in my opinion is one of the worst combos. Our plan was to have me stop in and act like I needed her to come with me somewhere, leaving him behind after a drink. Except when I arrived he had somehow managed to get a table and invite one of his friends along. We were stuck. We sat down at the table but refused to get food. Luckily when the friend showed up, he turned out to be much more socialable but we were still not about to devote our night to them. I had to head to this bday party and then more importantly, meet up with Slonks. We were at a loss for what to do, so Atl stepped up to the plate and announced that we were going to leave and would text them after the bday party. I'm sure they knew this was bullshit and I felt guilty for leaving them, but I guess it wasn't my date.
This situation had really set us back time-wise so we made the executive decision to skip the bday party, to ensure we did not miss Slonks. He had texted saying that was at Hotel Chantelle, so we headed that way. I received another text from him as we were walking up that he was at the rooftop bar across the street and that Deux was also on his way. NOT part of the plan. Deux was trouble and I knew he would try and prevent whatever could happen from happening. But there was no turning back now. We made our way upstairs to a covered rooftop with red lights and a mini-pool in the middle. It was the strangest assortment of people I have ever seen in one bar--a mix of NYU kids, a few financy people (mostly made up of Slonks and Deux's friends) and a whole new breed of hipster. Different from the Williamsburg/Bushwick hipster, which tended to lean towards the nerdy side. These hipsters were more hardcore; the best description would be "Berlin Glam", which I'm aware probably makes no sense. You just had to see these hipsters in person.
Anyway we joined Slonks and Co and socialized. We were having a great time giving Deux a hard time after the following incident: he went to the bar and asked Atl and me what we wanted to drink. I informed him we would take two Stoli Sodas. We watched him stand at the bar for awhile and then it seemed like he was having an argument with the bartender. He finally returned a bit later with two vodka sodas in hand. When I asked him what took so long he responded that "the bar didn't have any 'silly sodas', so he just got us vodka sodas. Idiot! This led us all to be a bit meaner than we should've been towards poor Deux. But as usual he had it coming. When we walked to the Bowery to go to another bar, we all questioned Deux leading the way. He did end up finding the place and we all had a dance party to Call Me Maybe. Slonks and I had been chatting for most of the night and Deux was noticing. He kept trying to interrupt but then changed his mind and went and made out with some girl ont he dancefloor. He failed to lock her down though and she disappeared soon after. And so was everyone else in our group--the friends slowly started to leave the bar, including Atl, until it was just me, Slonks...and Deux. He was not getting the hint, or was refusing to take it. I sighed, went to the bathroom and tried to think of a game plan. I decided that I was just going to have to go home but when I returned Deux was miraculously gone!
Now, Slonks and I had obviously not determind if something was going to happen between us, but he had had his arm around me for most of the end of the night. Decision time was upon though, since the bar was closing. We walked outside and who was standing there waiting but Deux! Inwardly cursing him, I announced that I was going to walk home. Slonks would not allow this and said we would take a cab. The two of us went to get into one as Deux watched us. He then asked if he could share since he was on the way (he was not, no matter where we were going). Slonks agreed--I like to think he didn't know what else to do at that point. I also like to think that the events leading up to that moment proved that he wanted something to happen. So I made the drunken decision to very slyly send him a text, even though we were sitting together in the backseat. This text said "You can come back with me if you want". His response was something along the lines of wanting to but going through a lot and that it was weird with Deux there. Ehhhh awkward. When we pulled up to Avenue C I basically ran out of the cab as he tried to hug me goodbye. I sent him a text apologizing and he said it was fine, followed a few minutes later by a text asking if he should come back, then a correction saying he wanted to hang out soon and bidding me goodnight.
I woke up in the morning not pleased at all with my actions. I debated what to do the whole day, as if something needed to be done. I had a bday party for HH, who was in town that I was going to with GF that night. We had a lovely steak dinner and then headed to an 80s bar in Midtown. This turned out to be the worst bar I have been to in NYC besides Pacha. There was a $20 cover and it was filled with the most disgusting B&T people I have witnessed to date. B&T bachelorette parties, older B&Ters who had their heyday in the 80s--it was gross and not our scene at all. In the midst of all this I made a bad decision. Who wouldn't being surrounded by that. I was feeling inspired and wanted to be cute to try and make things better so I sent Slonks the following text:
Hey <Slonks>, this is crazy, but here I am trying to hang out with you when you have a girlfriend, so kill me maybe
And no he did not find the humor in this but in a surprising twist replied that he had found the previous week that the Danish girlfriend had cheated on him. But he had quit his job here and had a new one lined up over there so still had to move. I had no idea what to say so I left it until the next day, where I sent a series of texts trying to both show my sympathy and alleviate any awkwardness and suceeding in doing just the opposite.
I was not happy with my actions from the weekend and I did not contact him at all that week and even decided to go to Cuse the next weekend. After the previous weekend I needed to clear my head and take a break from the City, since it was clearly driving me nuts. I returned feeling refreshed and sent him one last text a couple days before he was scheduled to leave wishing him luck. He responded right away saying he was having friends out for goodbye drinks the next night and invited me. My chance to make things right! I recruited Atl and the next evening we trucked in the heat to Midtown East. We arrived to the German bar, looking like messes, since she was in her gym clothes and mine were about as sweaty as hers. Luckily just a couple friends were present, including one who had been with us the other night, and not including Deux. Things weren't too terribly awkward between Slonks and I and were basically fine a few beer steins later. I was acting like nothing happened but I managed to catch him in a lie. He was telling me about his apartment in Denmark and his "friend" he was going to be living with--I knew for a fact that he was moving in with the girlfriend. He also bought me another beer stein out of nowhere, at the end of the night, even though I still had a full one in front of me. I later found out that Atl had instructed him to do so. Though hilarious, Slonks is dorky and clueless. After his friend started hitting on me I decided that it was time to go before things got out of control. I needed to remove myself from that group of guys, so I hugged Slonks goodbye and left with my dignity intact.
I have not spoken to him since, but according to facebook, he seems very happy in Denmark with his girlfriend. And I am very happy that I am not a homewrecker.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
"We must have looked like prostitutes"
Though I needed a partying break after our AC trip I only got a few days before the weekend started all over again. And early, thanks to GA and a party she was hosting. She had invited Atl and I to a happy hour she was hosting at the XVI rooftop. I headed there after work with some coworkers. GA whisked us to over her table with bottle service and before I knew it I was drinking champagne and grey goose in broad daylight. Knowing someone who works in the nightlife business definitley has it perks. But it also exposes you to the seedy characters that are in their circles. Atl got the brunt of this, when the sleazy bar owner took a liking to her. He had a gut and whenever I looked over he had his hand on her leg or his arm around her and she looked visibily uncomfortable. Luckily he soon disappeared into the night.
I was about ready to go home at this point since it was a Thursday but when I emerged from my final bathroom trip, I found Atl surrounded by a large group of finance douches. She pulled me over and introduced me to one who had his tie tied around his head. Typical. Of course drinks were offered to us and we stayed well after our original party had left. This group of boys was mostly Canadian, including Tie Guy, who was from Montreal. I of course felt the need to keep asking him about poutine and then cracking up. They soon decided to head out to a karaoke bar, but in a well-played move, Tie Guy and his friend isolated Atl and I and ended up taking us with them to the Jane Hotel in the West Village. This is a newly popular, classy yet rowdy hotel bar. Classic finance.
Tie Guy and Atl had buddied up, but he was too drunk and goofy to be much trouble. His friend, however, was more sober so therefore more of a predator. He was putting the moves on, and since I had just taken a shot, I was soon making out with him on a couch in the bar. He invited me back with him, but my excuse for him was that I "hadn't shaved my bikini line". I don't know what possessed me to say that, and he looked surprised that I had. I decided that telling him I was going to get waxed soon would help this, even though it was completely untrue, I was just lazy as shit and hadn't felt like shaving for awhile. Classy as always. Soon after we all stumbled out of the bar, my guy still insisting and me resisting, and Tie Guy too wasted to put up a fight. So the boys went home without us that night, which was a very good thing. Atl and I hailed a cab and then realized halfway into the ride that she had lost her phone. So we turned around and headed back to the Jane Hotel, where we miraculously found her phone on the floor by our couch. The morning found us both wondering how the night had escalated so quickly.
Speaking of drunken messes, that next Saturday night followed a similar pattern. I had taken Friday night off, so my Saturday night ended up being the equivalent of two nights out. It started early--Khia had all you can eat/drink karaoke party scheduled to start 8, to celebrate his having taken the CFA exam that day. It was of course in Koreatown and he had reserved a private room for the 30+ people who were going to be attending. Once these people started to file in, the trays of sake, coronas and questionable looking sushi and tempura were brought in as well. The rotation of classic karaoke hits were played and this is how the next 2 and a half hours went--I sat next to Yahtzee and Deux and shoved California rolls into my mouth and drank sake poured into corona, since I refuse to do sake bombs. After a bit I was soon standing on the booth next to Yahtzee and Deux, all of us singing along. There was a classic picture taken of me, standing on the booth, in my cut-out dress, with my arms straight up in the air, looking like I was having the time of my life, which for privacy reasons will not be shown.When in reality I was regretting my decision to wear a midriff-baring dress to an all you can eat/drink event. Fatass. Once again, the night kept escalating--Yahtzee and I sang a duet to "Another Night" and by the end of the two hours, people were falling down in the booths and the floor was completely covered in beer and broken glass. Our private room looked like a frat house at 4AM.
Luckily our alloted time was up and most of us headed back to an after-party at some guy's apartment. Atl then joined me. She immediately waltzed into the bathroom, where she helped herself to the guy's deodorant. Once she was feeling fresh, we decided to head out, as this scene was pretty lame. We headed back around our hood, where we deemed B Bar not up to standards. We stumbled over to Bowery Hotel, where on the way we received multiple beeps. Probably because I was in a cut-out dress and she was wearing a see-through shirt. Not attire for the Bowery Hotel, but we were let in nonetheless. We paid $20 for our drinks and since there was nowhere to sit, we parked it on the piano bench in the corner of the room and surveyed. I am sure that people thought we were prostitutes. After blabbing to a Danish bouncer about Copenhagen, we left and drunkenly wandered the East Village for what seemed like forever. We could not make a decision on where to go, but luckily I received a text from Deux instructing us to head to the LES, because he was at a bar with Slonks. We trucked it all the way there and Deux was nowhere to be found. Luckily Slonks was, and he seemed very excited to see us. We caught up and had some dranks (just what we needed) and agreed we should go to another bar. Except Atl and wandered out before we decided which bar. I did not have Slonks number so we had lost him for the night. Atl called her hookup buddy, who happened to be her old boss's godson, to come meet us at La Caverna. The bouncer loved my dress and instead of stamping my hand, stamped my midriff. The three of us then ran around drinking and dancing. Atl convinced me to stand up on a table to dance, because I was wearing a cutout dress for god's sake and it needed to be seen. I was promptly told to get down by a bouncer who not impressed by my dress. And in a classic drunk people move, we all ended the night at the 24 hour diner near our apartment around 4am.
Afterward: I had felt my shoes bothering earlier in the night, but the amount that we walked and the fact that my senses were numbed led to the worst blisters I have ever received on both my big toes. That whole next week, I hobbled around in pain and was having to constantly change the bandages on my infected wounds. That is my punishment for my 8 hour bender.
I was about ready to go home at this point since it was a Thursday but when I emerged from my final bathroom trip, I found Atl surrounded by a large group of finance douches. She pulled me over and introduced me to one who had his tie tied around his head. Typical. Of course drinks were offered to us and we stayed well after our original party had left. This group of boys was mostly Canadian, including Tie Guy, who was from Montreal. I of course felt the need to keep asking him about poutine and then cracking up. They soon decided to head out to a karaoke bar, but in a well-played move, Tie Guy and his friend isolated Atl and I and ended up taking us with them to the Jane Hotel in the West Village. This is a newly popular, classy yet rowdy hotel bar. Classic finance.
Tie Guy and Atl had buddied up, but he was too drunk and goofy to be much trouble. His friend, however, was more sober so therefore more of a predator. He was putting the moves on, and since I had just taken a shot, I was soon making out with him on a couch in the bar. He invited me back with him, but my excuse for him was that I "hadn't shaved my bikini line". I don't know what possessed me to say that, and he looked surprised that I had. I decided that telling him I was going to get waxed soon would help this, even though it was completely untrue, I was just lazy as shit and hadn't felt like shaving for awhile. Classy as always. Soon after we all stumbled out of the bar, my guy still insisting and me resisting, and Tie Guy too wasted to put up a fight. So the boys went home without us that night, which was a very good thing. Atl and I hailed a cab and then realized halfway into the ride that she had lost her phone. So we turned around and headed back to the Jane Hotel, where we miraculously found her phone on the floor by our couch. The morning found us both wondering how the night had escalated so quickly.
Speaking of drunken messes, that next Saturday night followed a similar pattern. I had taken Friday night off, so my Saturday night ended up being the equivalent of two nights out. It started early--Khia had all you can eat/drink karaoke party scheduled to start 8, to celebrate his having taken the CFA exam that day. It was of course in Koreatown and he had reserved a private room for the 30+ people who were going to be attending. Once these people started to file in, the trays of sake, coronas and questionable looking sushi and tempura were brought in as well. The rotation of classic karaoke hits were played and this is how the next 2 and a half hours went--I sat next to Yahtzee and Deux and shoved California rolls into my mouth and drank sake poured into corona, since I refuse to do sake bombs. After a bit I was soon standing on the booth next to Yahtzee and Deux, all of us singing along. There was a classic picture taken of me, standing on the booth, in my cut-out dress, with my arms straight up in the air, looking like I was having the time of my life, which for privacy reasons will not be shown.When in reality I was regretting my decision to wear a midriff-baring dress to an all you can eat/drink event. Fatass. Once again, the night kept escalating--Yahtzee and I sang a duet to "Another Night" and by the end of the two hours, people were falling down in the booths and the floor was completely covered in beer and broken glass. Our private room looked like a frat house at 4AM.
Luckily our alloted time was up and most of us headed back to an after-party at some guy's apartment. Atl then joined me. She immediately waltzed into the bathroom, where she helped herself to the guy's deodorant. Once she was feeling fresh, we decided to head out, as this scene was pretty lame. We headed back around our hood, where we deemed B Bar not up to standards. We stumbled over to Bowery Hotel, where on the way we received multiple beeps. Probably because I was in a cut-out dress and she was wearing a see-through shirt. Not attire for the Bowery Hotel, but we were let in nonetheless. We paid $20 for our drinks and since there was nowhere to sit, we parked it on the piano bench in the corner of the room and surveyed. I am sure that people thought we were prostitutes. After blabbing to a Danish bouncer about Copenhagen, we left and drunkenly wandered the East Village for what seemed like forever. We could not make a decision on where to go, but luckily I received a text from Deux instructing us to head to the LES, because he was at a bar with Slonks. We trucked it all the way there and Deux was nowhere to be found. Luckily Slonks was, and he seemed very excited to see us. We caught up and had some dranks (just what we needed) and agreed we should go to another bar. Except Atl and wandered out before we decided which bar. I did not have Slonks number so we had lost him for the night. Atl called her hookup buddy, who happened to be her old boss's godson, to come meet us at La Caverna. The bouncer loved my dress and instead of stamping my hand, stamped my midriff. The three of us then ran around drinking and dancing. Atl convinced me to stand up on a table to dance, because I was wearing a cutout dress for god's sake and it needed to be seen. I was promptly told to get down by a bouncer who not impressed by my dress. And in a classic drunk people move, we all ended the night at the 24 hour diner near our apartment around 4am.
Afterward: I had felt my shoes bothering earlier in the night, but the amount that we walked and the fact that my senses were numbed led to the worst blisters I have ever received on both my big toes. That whole next week, I hobbled around in pain and was having to constantly change the bandages on my infected wounds. That is my punishment for my 8 hour bender.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Slonkeys in AC
The night of the steak dinner, Yahtzee had been talking about wanting to take a trip to Atlantic City for Memorial Day weekend, which happened to be the next day. I thought this plan overly-ambitious and didn't even consider it. But apparently my drunken agreement had struck a chord with Yahtzee and the next evening I was awakened from trying to sleep off my hangover to Yahtzee's call telling me he had booked a hotel room for the weekend. I guess AC was on.
I invited Atl to be my partner in crime, since I had no idea what kind of girls Yahtzee would drag along (turns out-none). I grabbed a few drinks with Prom and then headed to be early, since we had a 9am bus to catch. We actually made it to Port Authority on time and I wasn't in too bad of shape. The group for the weekend consisted of--myself, Atl, Yahtzee, Deux and his friend, whom we will call Slonks. I was not pleased at all that it was so early, that we were taking a bus filled with ghetto individuals and my mood grew worse when I got stuck in a seat next to Deux. We hadn't been this close to each other since he took me on that wonderful date to the 13th Step. But the awkwardness subsided when he let me read the style section of his copy of the Wall Street Journal. We chatted for quite a bit of the ride and even watched the Honey Badger video.
The trip went quickly and before I knew it we were pulling into the magical land of tacky casinos and strip clubs. I did not plan on partaking in either of these things but I was pretty pumped for some spectac people-watching. I had even brought my gold leggings for the occasion, so that I could fit in. Unfortunately AC was less tack and more....Jersey college kid. Our hotel was filled with them and considering my recent experience with the Jersey douchebag I wasn't too excited about this. And you can always count on Deux--he had booked a hotel room with only one king bed. For five people. My reaction when opening the hotel door and discovering this--"Well this isn't going to work".I forced the boys to call the front desk to wheel in two cots, one of which we had to shove in the bathroom:
This is where it stayed for the duration of our trip.
We headed down to the hotel pool to grab some lunch and some sun. We hadn't heard much from Deux's friend so far, so Atl and I decided he must be kind of a wet blanket. Boy were we wrong. This slowly became apparent when we told the boys about our name for trashy girls--swamp donkeys. How to identify a swamp donkey you ask? Some telltale signs--tramp stamps, gelled hair, visible fat rolls, etc. I was a little worried as to how the boys would take this, since we weren't exactly being nice. Fortunately they loved it, as most guys seem to. I mean they really got on board with it, even pointing out swamp donkeys in the vicinity. Slonks really took this and ran with it and shortened "swamp donkey" to "slonkey", which encompasses both sleazy and sloppy. It was perfect and by the end of lunch we were all cracking up. Another interesting fact about Slonks--he was going to be moving to Denmark soon, to be with his girlfriend. I was jealous, that he was moving to Europe and as it turned out later, that he had a girlfriend (but we'll get into that later).
After lunch we split--the boys headed to the beach and Atl and I stayed put by the pool. We met up later and did a run through of one of the casinos, which was both fascinating and depressing. I refused to waste any money gambling but the boys had a different idea. They sat down at a Blackjack table and promptly lost everything. Atl and I chuckled and decided to head back to room to get ready for the night. We had a bbq at one of Yahtzee's friends from college who lived nearby and then out at one of the clubs. The humid ocean air wasn't exactly good for my hair and when I tried to not straighten it, I ended up looking like a wild animal (perhaps a swamp donkey myself?) and Yahtzee did not hold back laughing at me. He's so sweet to me.
We took a cab to the friend's house which was about 45 minutes away. The friend was super nice and had a massive bbq spread to which I actively indulged. He also had one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen--Chewy was so sweet and had his shaggy fur trimmed short everywhere but his head. I ate, pet Chewy and socialized. After, the friend drove us back to AC in his Beamer so that we could get changed to go out. It took us about 20 minutes to fight through crowds of Jersey kids to get into the elevator and I was feeling traumatized. But I changed into my gold leggings anyway and the boys went out to buy beer. Except it was too late to buy beer so they returned with 8 bottles of cheap champagne. My mood was lifted once again, because I leeeerv champagne! We drank a bunch of it in the room and I insisted on blasting house music (we were in Jersey after all). Afrojack was playing that night but we made the decision not to go, which may have been good, but was probably bad. Instead we stayed in the hotel and went to the club there, which had a $20 cover. Atl and I were not about to pay that, but Deux and Slonks forked over their money without consulting us and were already inside. We went down to the lobby to pout and then reevaluated and went inside the club anyway, after openly bitching about the price.
The usual drunkenness ensued and by the end of the night had escalated. I had forced Deux and Slonks to take a bunch of Jager shots with me. Atl ended up shoving a guy who had skipped out on buying her a drink earlier in the night. We had somehow all gotten a hold of a light saber the dj had and were passing it around. Slonks kept poking strangers with it, with an absolutely crazed expression on his face. Deux was trying to both dance with me and hold my hand. It was madness. Luckily someone put an end to it and decided after we headed to the casino that we needed food. Atl, Yahtzee and I headed to the late-night diner within and Deux and Slonks headed off to gamble. Except what really happened was they fell asleep in the casino bar. Luckily Slonks had the foresight to set his alarm as they were drifting off, so they were awakened at 5:21AM and somehow made it back to our hotel room. Yahtzee and Atl were already passed out in the one king-sized bed so when Slonks walked in the room he literally did a dead man's fall onto the mattress from one of the cots and I covered him up with the robe. I crawled into the bed before Deux could get to me and was safe.
I woke a few hours later to a room that looked as though a booze-infused tornado had come through--there were champagne bottles and clothes thrown everywhere and the toilet was clogged. I woke Atl and we stumbled out of the room, almost stepping on Slonk's face, down to the front desk where we requested towels and took turns pooping in the public bathroom. I was still in pajamas and had makeup smeared across my face, and I'm sure I terrified some people.We returned and riled the boys up, since checkout was in less than an hour. Deux took his sweet time and manged to piss everyone off. Seriously, the dumbest smart person there is. We headed back down to the pool, where I was the designated sunscreen-rubber for all of the boys' backs. Yahtzee took a series of photos documenting this. Slonks then looked up "swamp donkey" in the Urban Dictionary and we all died at entry number 3. And it only got better. This pool had a little mini waterfall at one end. There was a slonkey-esque couple which was having their own photo shoot in the waterfall. At one point the husband sat down under the waterfall, so that it was cascading over him and I seriously almost peed my pants. Atl volunteered to take a picture of them together and this was the wonderful result:
Slonkey Alert
Not being able to take anymore, we decided to take a walk along the boardwalk, pointing out the swamp donkeys as we went. I chatted with Slonks for most of the time and had developed a little crush on him, since he was so hilarious. Atl had disappeared and when she caught back up to us she had a bag of treats from one of the shops. It contained shirts for all of us and a shot glass for Deux, since we liked him the least. My shirt said "Cool Story Bro", Atl's was a neon YOLO, Slonk's was "Go Jersey Go Hard" and finally, Yahtzee's--"I'm Sexy and I Know It", which was his favorite song and the one he liked to creepily sing to me. Except Atl had mistakenly bought him an XL and as she gave it to him called him "a fucking fatass".
We had our final lunch at a classy-looking place on the boardwalk, where we witnessed a woman french kiss her pet parrot. The squeal that escaped Deux's mouth at the sight of this was absolutely classic. We took a group shot of us in our shirts and headed off the bus station, exhausted and sunburned. We talked about slonkeys until we passed out. We parted ways in the City, but not without promising we would have an AC reunion before Slonks left in a couple weeks.....
I invited Atl to be my partner in crime, since I had no idea what kind of girls Yahtzee would drag along (turns out-none). I grabbed a few drinks with Prom and then headed to be early, since we had a 9am bus to catch. We actually made it to Port Authority on time and I wasn't in too bad of shape. The group for the weekend consisted of--myself, Atl, Yahtzee, Deux and his friend, whom we will call Slonks. I was not pleased at all that it was so early, that we were taking a bus filled with ghetto individuals and my mood grew worse when I got stuck in a seat next to Deux. We hadn't been this close to each other since he took me on that wonderful date to the 13th Step. But the awkwardness subsided when he let me read the style section of his copy of the Wall Street Journal. We chatted for quite a bit of the ride and even watched the Honey Badger video.
The trip went quickly and before I knew it we were pulling into the magical land of tacky casinos and strip clubs. I did not plan on partaking in either of these things but I was pretty pumped for some spectac people-watching. I had even brought my gold leggings for the occasion, so that I could fit in. Unfortunately AC was less tack and more....Jersey college kid. Our hotel was filled with them and considering my recent experience with the Jersey douchebag I wasn't too excited about this. And you can always count on Deux--he had booked a hotel room with only one king bed. For five people. My reaction when opening the hotel door and discovering this--"Well this isn't going to work".I forced the boys to call the front desk to wheel in two cots, one of which we had to shove in the bathroom:
We headed down to the hotel pool to grab some lunch and some sun. We hadn't heard much from Deux's friend so far, so Atl and I decided he must be kind of a wet blanket. Boy were we wrong. This slowly became apparent when we told the boys about our name for trashy girls--swamp donkeys. How to identify a swamp donkey you ask? Some telltale signs--tramp stamps, gelled hair, visible fat rolls, etc. I was a little worried as to how the boys would take this, since we weren't exactly being nice. Fortunately they loved it, as most guys seem to. I mean they really got on board with it, even pointing out swamp donkeys in the vicinity. Slonks really took this and ran with it and shortened "swamp donkey" to "slonkey", which encompasses both sleazy and sloppy. It was perfect and by the end of lunch we were all cracking up. Another interesting fact about Slonks--he was going to be moving to Denmark soon, to be with his girlfriend. I was jealous, that he was moving to Europe and as it turned out later, that he had a girlfriend (but we'll get into that later).
After lunch we split--the boys headed to the beach and Atl and I stayed put by the pool. We met up later and did a run through of one of the casinos, which was both fascinating and depressing. I refused to waste any money gambling but the boys had a different idea. They sat down at a Blackjack table and promptly lost everything. Atl and I chuckled and decided to head back to room to get ready for the night. We had a bbq at one of Yahtzee's friends from college who lived nearby and then out at one of the clubs. The humid ocean air wasn't exactly good for my hair and when I tried to not straighten it, I ended up looking like a wild animal (perhaps a swamp donkey myself?) and Yahtzee did not hold back laughing at me. He's so sweet to me.
We took a cab to the friend's house which was about 45 minutes away. The friend was super nice and had a massive bbq spread to which I actively indulged. He also had one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen--Chewy was so sweet and had his shaggy fur trimmed short everywhere but his head. I ate, pet Chewy and socialized. After, the friend drove us back to AC in his Beamer so that we could get changed to go out. It took us about 20 minutes to fight through crowds of Jersey kids to get into the elevator and I was feeling traumatized. But I changed into my gold leggings anyway and the boys went out to buy beer. Except it was too late to buy beer so they returned with 8 bottles of cheap champagne. My mood was lifted once again, because I leeeerv champagne! We drank a bunch of it in the room and I insisted on blasting house music (we were in Jersey after all). Afrojack was playing that night but we made the decision not to go, which may have been good, but was probably bad. Instead we stayed in the hotel and went to the club there, which had a $20 cover. Atl and I were not about to pay that, but Deux and Slonks forked over their money without consulting us and were already inside. We went down to the lobby to pout and then reevaluated and went inside the club anyway, after openly bitching about the price.
The usual drunkenness ensued and by the end of the night had escalated. I had forced Deux and Slonks to take a bunch of Jager shots with me. Atl ended up shoving a guy who had skipped out on buying her a drink earlier in the night. We had somehow all gotten a hold of a light saber the dj had and were passing it around. Slonks kept poking strangers with it, with an absolutely crazed expression on his face. Deux was trying to both dance with me and hold my hand. It was madness. Luckily someone put an end to it and decided after we headed to the casino that we needed food. Atl, Yahtzee and I headed to the late-night diner within and Deux and Slonks headed off to gamble. Except what really happened was they fell asleep in the casino bar. Luckily Slonks had the foresight to set his alarm as they were drifting off, so they were awakened at 5:21AM and somehow made it back to our hotel room. Yahtzee and Atl were already passed out in the one king-sized bed so when Slonks walked in the room he literally did a dead man's fall onto the mattress from one of the cots and I covered him up with the robe. I crawled into the bed before Deux could get to me and was safe.
I woke a few hours later to a room that looked as though a booze-infused tornado had come through--there were champagne bottles and clothes thrown everywhere and the toilet was clogged. I woke Atl and we stumbled out of the room, almost stepping on Slonk's face, down to the front desk where we requested towels and took turns pooping in the public bathroom. I was still in pajamas and had makeup smeared across my face, and I'm sure I terrified some people.We returned and riled the boys up, since checkout was in less than an hour. Deux took his sweet time and manged to piss everyone off. Seriously, the dumbest smart person there is. We headed back down to the pool, where I was the designated sunscreen-rubber for all of the boys' backs. Yahtzee took a series of photos documenting this. Slonks then looked up "swamp donkey" in the Urban Dictionary and we all died at entry number 3. And it only got better. This pool had a little mini waterfall at one end. There was a slonkey-esque couple which was having their own photo shoot in the waterfall. At one point the husband sat down under the waterfall, so that it was cascading over him and I seriously almost peed my pants. Atl volunteered to take a picture of them together and this was the wonderful result:
Not being able to take anymore, we decided to take a walk along the boardwalk, pointing out the swamp donkeys as we went. I chatted with Slonks for most of the time and had developed a little crush on him, since he was so hilarious. Atl had disappeared and when she caught back up to us she had a bag of treats from one of the shops. It contained shirts for all of us and a shot glass for Deux, since we liked him the least. My shirt said "Cool Story Bro", Atl's was a neon YOLO, Slonk's was "Go Jersey Go Hard" and finally, Yahtzee's--"I'm Sexy and I Know It", which was his favorite song and the one he liked to creepily sing to me. Except Atl had mistakenly bought him an XL and as she gave it to him called him "a fucking fatass".
We had our final lunch at a classy-looking place on the boardwalk, where we witnessed a woman french kiss her pet parrot. The squeal that escaped Deux's mouth at the sight of this was absolutely classic. We took a group shot of us in our shirts and headed off the bus station, exhausted and sunburned. We talked about slonkeys until we passed out. We parted ways in the City, but not without promising we would have an AC reunion before Slonks left in a couple weeks.....
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Free Steak Dinner
This ended up taking place on the last night that Jersey last cancelled on me. And thank god he did because I had a way better time than I ever would have had with him. Yahtzee had texted me earlier in the day, inviting me to his work happy hour that evening. Immediately after Jersey's cancellation I confirmed with Yahtzee that I would be accompanying him. Our offices are a couple blocks away from each other, so I met him on his corner after work. He was with a dorky Asian co-worker and it had just started to rain. I wasn't expecting much from the night, especially when we squeezed into the jam-packed C train to get to Meatpacking. Yahtzee is probably the only investment banker who will take the subway when he can obviously afford a cab.
When we emerged from the subway the rain had turned into a torrential downpour and none of us had an umbrella. We waited under an awning of a building with about 35 other people but it showed no signs of letting up. We were starting to get discouraged when Yahtzee got a text from one of his other coworkers, who turned out to be right around the corner from us in a car. It was like a scene from a movie--within seconds a towncar pulled up and the three of us hopped in. The guy was waiting for us in the backseat and thanked his driver for picking us up. He was a bit older, in his 30s at least turned out to be married with kids and living in Jersey. The other coworker who met us was the same deal, but they both joked around like frat guys and I kind of loved it. The happy hour was being held at Catch, which GF had been wanting to go to for ages. It was quite the scene and loaded with dudes in suits. I was one of the only girls present and I felt eyes on me as I walked in. We all stood at the bar chatting. Yahtzee's old boss showed up and it was just me and the boys drinking. I was having drinks handed to me and I was pretty happy about the whole situation, except for the fact that Yahztee was basically insinuating that we had hooked up in Croatia when asked how the two us had met. I guess the reason for my invite was to be his faux-date for the night.
I was planning to leave after drinks to meet up with Atl for one of GA's events. But then one of the coworkers mentioned grabbing dinner around the corner at STK, which is a fancy steak place. I was overjoyed and sent Atl the following text: "free steak dinner. boom. I'm out", which she apparently loved. The restaurant was very crowded but when we walked in we were led to a huge table in the corner, even though there were only 6 of us. This turned out to be one of the most ridiculous dinners I have ever had. They ordered every appetizer on the menu just to start. Then onto steak and then dessert, and all the while the wine was flowing. They ordered at least 10 bottles and at one point I had four glasses in front of my plate, all for me. Yahtzee's old boss was sitting across from me who at one point informed me that the wine I was drinking was "very, very good wine", while staring at me intently. As creepy as this sounds I had spoken to him earlier in the night and he was very nice. He was in his fifties and bald but I deemed him cool when he told me that although Yahtzee is smart, he is a complete airhead, which is totally true. He was of course well-traveled and I'm happy with any excuse to talk about Europe. He also seemed pleased when I knew basic information about finance, which even an idiot would know. And here is the best--he had a teenage daughter and for her upcoming 16th birthday was taking her and 10 of her friends to the South of France for a week. After telling us this, Yahtzee's reaction was "Uh for my 16th birthday I went bowling" which was just perfect.
Throughout the excessive dinner, which lasted about 3 hours, I made my rounds with the guys. I discussed with the guy who had picked us up in the Towncar how he had met his wife. I also made conversation with an Irish coworker who had joined the dinner late, and who turned out to be good friends with Hot Irish (my 1 Oak makeout). And I totally took advantage of the free food, eating all of my steak and half of Yahtzee's. Such a lady. I have no idea how much the bill was at the end of the night but I'm willing to bet it was at least a couple thousand dollars. Why thank you, unnamed investment bank, for that amazing "business dinner".
When we finally got up from the table, we all headed straight for the bar, where another few free drinks were handed to me. I ended up sitting with the Old Boss and he talked to me about his daughter and the little dog he had bought for her, which he of course takes care of. For some reason when he showed me pictures of her I decided to say that she looked like "she has a good head on her shoulders". I'm not sure what possessed me to say this, as she looked like a little slut in a zebra dress, but it was obviously the right thing for him. He was my number one fan--telling me that he wanted his daughter to turn out like me and telling Yahtzee that he would be lucky to find a girl like me. If only more guys shared this sentiment, especially ones who aren't old enough to be my father.
The night had flown by and when I checked the time to see if I still had time to make the party with Atl and GA I saw that it was after midnight. Yahtzee and I had had no idea it was so late and decided we needed to leave. Someone called us a car and again, within seconds, a towncar appeared outside for us. The Old Boss decided he would leave with us as well. Yahtzee's apartment turned out to be the first stop and then I was alone and drunk with the Old Boss in the backseat. I was slightly concerned that he may try and pull something but of course he did not. Outside my apartment he said he hoped that he would see me again and I lied and said I was sure he would. I hugged him and exited the car quickly, feeling weird that I was not totally put off by someone who was a huge nerd and had a daughter was who is only a few years younger than me. If it ever came down to it though, I don't think I could pull a golddigger move.
When I entered my apartment I had missed calls from Yahtzee who asked me if I made it home safely. What a good date. I confirmed and went to bed, unknowing that I was going to have my most hungover day at work to date the next day. All worth it though for free steak.
When we emerged from the subway the rain had turned into a torrential downpour and none of us had an umbrella. We waited under an awning of a building with about 35 other people but it showed no signs of letting up. We were starting to get discouraged when Yahtzee got a text from one of his other coworkers, who turned out to be right around the corner from us in a car. It was like a scene from a movie--within seconds a towncar pulled up and the three of us hopped in. The guy was waiting for us in the backseat and thanked his driver for picking us up. He was a bit older, in his 30s at least turned out to be married with kids and living in Jersey. The other coworker who met us was the same deal, but they both joked around like frat guys and I kind of loved it. The happy hour was being held at Catch, which GF had been wanting to go to for ages. It was quite the scene and loaded with dudes in suits. I was one of the only girls present and I felt eyes on me as I walked in. We all stood at the bar chatting. Yahtzee's old boss showed up and it was just me and the boys drinking. I was having drinks handed to me and I was pretty happy about the whole situation, except for the fact that Yahztee was basically insinuating that we had hooked up in Croatia when asked how the two us had met. I guess the reason for my invite was to be his faux-date for the night.
I was planning to leave after drinks to meet up with Atl for one of GA's events. But then one of the coworkers mentioned grabbing dinner around the corner at STK, which is a fancy steak place. I was overjoyed and sent Atl the following text: "free steak dinner. boom. I'm out", which she apparently loved. The restaurant was very crowded but when we walked in we were led to a huge table in the corner, even though there were only 6 of us. This turned out to be one of the most ridiculous dinners I have ever had. They ordered every appetizer on the menu just to start. Then onto steak and then dessert, and all the while the wine was flowing. They ordered at least 10 bottles and at one point I had four glasses in front of my plate, all for me. Yahtzee's old boss was sitting across from me who at one point informed me that the wine I was drinking was "very, very good wine", while staring at me intently. As creepy as this sounds I had spoken to him earlier in the night and he was very nice. He was in his fifties and bald but I deemed him cool when he told me that although Yahtzee is smart, he is a complete airhead, which is totally true. He was of course well-traveled and I'm happy with any excuse to talk about Europe. He also seemed pleased when I knew basic information about finance, which even an idiot would know. And here is the best--he had a teenage daughter and for her upcoming 16th birthday was taking her and 10 of her friends to the South of France for a week. After telling us this, Yahtzee's reaction was "Uh for my 16th birthday I went bowling" which was just perfect.
Throughout the excessive dinner, which lasted about 3 hours, I made my rounds with the guys. I discussed with the guy who had picked us up in the Towncar how he had met his wife. I also made conversation with an Irish coworker who had joined the dinner late, and who turned out to be good friends with Hot Irish (my 1 Oak makeout). And I totally took advantage of the free food, eating all of my steak and half of Yahtzee's. Such a lady. I have no idea how much the bill was at the end of the night but I'm willing to bet it was at least a couple thousand dollars. Why thank you, unnamed investment bank, for that amazing "business dinner".
When we finally got up from the table, we all headed straight for the bar, where another few free drinks were handed to me. I ended up sitting with the Old Boss and he talked to me about his daughter and the little dog he had bought for her, which he of course takes care of. For some reason when he showed me pictures of her I decided to say that she looked like "she has a good head on her shoulders". I'm not sure what possessed me to say this, as she looked like a little slut in a zebra dress, but it was obviously the right thing for him. He was my number one fan--telling me that he wanted his daughter to turn out like me and telling Yahtzee that he would be lucky to find a girl like me. If only more guys shared this sentiment, especially ones who aren't old enough to be my father.
The night had flown by and when I checked the time to see if I still had time to make the party with Atl and GA I saw that it was after midnight. Yahtzee and I had had no idea it was so late and decided we needed to leave. Someone called us a car and again, within seconds, a towncar appeared outside for us. The Old Boss decided he would leave with us as well. Yahtzee's apartment turned out to be the first stop and then I was alone and drunk with the Old Boss in the backseat. I was slightly concerned that he may try and pull something but of course he did not. Outside my apartment he said he hoped that he would see me again and I lied and said I was sure he would. I hugged him and exited the car quickly, feeling weird that I was not totally put off by someone who was a huge nerd and had a daughter was who is only a few years younger than me. If it ever came down to it though, I don't think I could pull a golddigger move.
When I entered my apartment I had missed calls from Yahtzee who asked me if I made it home safely. What a good date. I confirmed and went to bed, unknowing that I was going to have my most hungover day at work to date the next day. All worth it though for free steak.
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