I invited Atl to be my partner in crime, since I had no idea what kind of girls Yahtzee would drag along (turns out-none). I grabbed a few drinks with Prom and then headed to be early, since we had a 9am bus to catch. We actually made it to Port Authority on time and I wasn't in too bad of shape. The group for the weekend consisted of--myself, Atl, Yahtzee, Deux and his friend, whom we will call Slonks. I was not pleased at all that it was so early, that we were taking a bus filled with ghetto individuals and my mood grew worse when I got stuck in a seat next to Deux. We hadn't been this close to each other since he took me on that wonderful date to the 13th Step. But the awkwardness subsided when he let me read the style section of his copy of the Wall Street Journal. We chatted for quite a bit of the ride and even watched the Honey Badger video.
The trip went quickly and before I knew it we were pulling into the magical land of tacky casinos and strip clubs. I did not plan on partaking in either of these things but I was pretty pumped for some spectac people-watching. I had even brought my gold leggings for the occasion, so that I could fit in. Unfortunately AC was less tack and more....Jersey college kid. Our hotel was filled with them and considering my recent experience with the Jersey douchebag I wasn't too excited about this. And you can always count on Deux--he had booked a hotel room with only one king bed. For five people. My reaction when opening the hotel door and discovering this--"Well this isn't going to work".I forced the boys to call the front desk to wheel in two cots, one of which we had to shove in the bathroom:
We headed down to the hotel pool to grab some lunch and some sun. We hadn't heard much from Deux's friend so far, so Atl and I decided he must be kind of a wet blanket. Boy were we wrong. This slowly became apparent when we told the boys about our name for trashy girls--swamp donkeys. How to identify a swamp donkey you ask? Some telltale signs--tramp stamps, gelled hair, visible fat rolls, etc. I was a little worried as to how the boys would take this, since we weren't exactly being nice. Fortunately they loved it, as most guys seem to. I mean they really got on board with it, even pointing out swamp donkeys in the vicinity. Slonks really took this and ran with it and shortened "swamp donkey" to "slonkey", which encompasses both sleazy and sloppy. It was perfect and by the end of lunch we were all cracking up. Another interesting fact about Slonks--he was going to be moving to Denmark soon, to be with his girlfriend. I was jealous, that he was moving to Europe and as it turned out later, that he had a girlfriend (but we'll get into that later).
After lunch we split--the boys headed to the beach and Atl and I stayed put by the pool. We met up later and did a run through of one of the casinos, which was both fascinating and depressing. I refused to waste any money gambling but the boys had a different idea. They sat down at a Blackjack table and promptly lost everything. Atl and I chuckled and decided to head back to room to get ready for the night. We had a bbq at one of Yahtzee's friends from college who lived nearby and then out at one of the clubs. The humid ocean air wasn't exactly good for my hair and when I tried to not straighten it, I ended up looking like a wild animal (perhaps a swamp donkey myself?) and Yahtzee did not hold back laughing at me. He's so sweet to me.
We took a cab to the friend's house which was about 45 minutes away. The friend was super nice and had a massive bbq spread to which I actively indulged. He also had one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen--Chewy was so sweet and had his shaggy fur trimmed short everywhere but his head. I ate, pet Chewy and socialized. After, the friend drove us back to AC in his Beamer so that we could get changed to go out. It took us about 20 minutes to fight through crowds of Jersey kids to get into the elevator and I was feeling traumatized. But I changed into my gold leggings anyway and the boys went out to buy beer. Except it was too late to buy beer so they returned with 8 bottles of cheap champagne. My mood was lifted once again, because I leeeerv champagne! We drank a bunch of it in the room and I insisted on blasting house music (we were in Jersey after all). Afrojack was playing that night but we made the decision not to go, which may have been good, but was probably bad. Instead we stayed in the hotel and went to the club there, which had a $20 cover. Atl and I were not about to pay that, but Deux and Slonks forked over their money without consulting us and were already inside. We went down to the lobby to pout and then reevaluated and went inside the club anyway, after openly bitching about the price.
The usual drunkenness ensued and by the end of the night had escalated. I had forced Deux and Slonks to take a bunch of Jager shots with me. Atl ended up shoving a guy who had skipped out on buying her a drink earlier in the night. We had somehow all gotten a hold of a light saber the dj had and were passing it around. Slonks kept poking strangers with it, with an absolutely crazed expression on his face. Deux was trying to both dance with me and hold my hand. It was madness. Luckily someone put an end to it and decided after we headed to the casino that we needed food. Atl, Yahtzee and I headed to the late-night diner within and Deux and Slonks headed off to gamble. Except what really happened was they fell asleep in the casino bar. Luckily Slonks had the foresight to set his alarm as they were drifting off, so they were awakened at 5:21AM and somehow made it back to our hotel room. Yahtzee and Atl were already passed out in the one king-sized bed so when Slonks walked in the room he literally did a dead man's fall onto the mattress from one of the cots and I covered him up with the robe. I crawled into the bed before Deux could get to me and was safe.
I woke a few hours later to a room that looked as though a booze-infused tornado had come through--there were champagne bottles and clothes thrown everywhere and the toilet was clogged. I woke Atl and we stumbled out of the room, almost stepping on Slonk's face, down to the front desk where we requested towels and took turns pooping in the public bathroom. I was still in pajamas and had makeup smeared across my face, and I'm sure I terrified some people.We returned and riled the boys up, since checkout was in less than an hour. Deux took his sweet time and manged to piss everyone off. Seriously, the dumbest smart person there is. We headed back down to the pool, where I was the designated sunscreen-rubber for all of the boys' backs. Yahtzee took a series of photos documenting this. Slonks then looked up "swamp donkey" in the Urban Dictionary and we all died at entry number 3. And it only got better. This pool had a little mini waterfall at one end. There was a slonkey-esque couple which was having their own photo shoot in the waterfall. At one point the husband sat down under the waterfall, so that it was cascading over him and I seriously almost peed my pants. Atl volunteered to take a picture of them together and this was the wonderful result:
Not being able to take anymore, we decided to take a walk along the boardwalk, pointing out the swamp donkeys as we went. I chatted with Slonks for most of the time and had developed a little crush on him, since he was so hilarious. Atl had disappeared and when she caught back up to us she had a bag of treats from one of the shops. It contained shirts for all of us and a shot glass for Deux, since we liked him the least. My shirt said "Cool Story Bro", Atl's was a neon YOLO, Slonk's was "Go Jersey Go Hard" and finally, Yahtzee's--"I'm Sexy and I Know It", which was his favorite song and the one he liked to creepily sing to me. Except Atl had mistakenly bought him an XL and as she gave it to him called him "a fucking fatass".
We had our final lunch at a classy-looking place on the boardwalk, where we witnessed a woman french kiss her pet parrot. The squeal that escaped Deux's mouth at the sight of this was absolutely classic. We took a group shot of us in our shirts and headed off the bus station, exhausted and sunburned. We talked about slonkeys until we passed out. We parted ways in the City, but not without promising we would have an AC reunion before Slonks left in a couple weeks.....
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