Pooper Rico Part 1

Since my vacas over the summer weren’t exactly tropical beach destinations (San Fran, Mexico City), I definitely accepted an invitation from my old friend Politician Bro to come stay with him in Puerto Rico. He had recently moved there for a job clerking for one of the federal courts and I knew he would have a baller setup. I recruited Atl to come along and before we knew it, we were on a flight to San Juan, with a bunch of loud ass PR’s and cable tv (thanks Jetblue). Politician Bro picked us up upon our arrival with his friend Loveable Nerd in tow. Politician Bro had described him by saying that we “wouldn’t want to take his clothes off”. He was correct. Despite getting his phd at Harvard, Loveable Nerd was about 5’1, with Tevas and transitions lenses. But looks can be deceiving as SM turned out to be cool as shit. Once stowed in the car, Politician Bro’s nonstop talking began and didn’t stop til two days later, after he was able to “relieve” some stress. Atl and I were half asleep and were barely listening to the chatter. But seeing Politician Bro’s apartment in Old San Juan woke us up. It was on a cobble stone street with brightly colored houses, with its own balcony.

 

 

 Inside the apartment were high ceilings and modern furniture. The place was nice and within walking distance to the historic fort and the best bar in Old San Juan. Of course we headed straight there, the two blonde gringas attracted some attention on the way. This bar was filled with Puerto Rican hipsters, which was strange to see, and Politician Bro knew all of the bartenders. Now Atl and I have a habit of getting pretty wasted when we go out together. Luckily, after a long day and a long flight, this was not going to be one of those nights. After one beer and a free shot from a local New York City enthusiast, we headed back to Casa de Politician Bro to promptly pass out.

The next morning, I woke from a deep sleep to find the apartment empty. Politician Bro had to go to work and Loveable Nerd and Atl left me a note saying they were up by the fort at the local gourmet waffle place. I found my way there was unimpressed with the overcast weather. Luckily gourmet waffles were delish and walking around the Old town was much nicer than walking around Avenue C. Politician Bro managed to dip out of work for the afternoon, which was around the same time we finished exploring the fort and I finished chasing after every stray cat I saw. We hopped back in the car, to head out of San Juan to the rainforest. We obviously got lost on the way there and in true American fashion, none of us spoke the local language. We pulled off into a small town that looked shadier and shadier as we drove through. It was basically deserted, and made us nervous, since in his ramblings, Politician Bro had told us that PR was known for its violence. We then turned down one street to find a dead dog in the middle of the road. We took this as a bad omen and immediately back-tracked out of there.  Politician Bro asked the scariest looking guys in front of a gas station for directions, who turned out to be really friendly and told us where to go in perfect English.

We finally made it into the national park we were seeking, so that we could hike up to the waterfall. My stomach had been feeling slightly churney since we arrived and the road up to the parking lot weaved and turned through the mountains. Politician Bro was taking them at a high speed and blasting Ke$ha. I sat in the backseat, green as can be, with the chorus “We’re gonna die young” blasting in my head. Indeed. We parked without me puking and I followed behind them all shakily as we started on the trail. Luckily it wasn’t too strenuous, as I am not really an outdoorsy girl. We arrived at the waterfall and I was surprised that people were actually swimming in the water beneath it.

 

 

This looked a bit dangerous to me, but I gingerly entered the water at Politician Bro’s urging, and almost hyperventilated from the cold. He went directly for the churning waters beneath the fall and swam under. He motioned for us to join but I was not interested and neither was Atl. He kept calling out what became the token line of the trip “You won’t get hurt!”. His hero cry convinced Loveable Nerd and some teenage girls to go under with him, but Atl and I held back. We took a photo shoot in front of the falls and then I smashed my leg on one of the slippery rocks. I was ready to head back and luckily it was starting to get dark so the boys had no choice.

We walked back in our soaking wet clothes and headed out of the park to a local German restaurant at the bottom of the mountains. Yes, that’s right, a German restaurant. In Puerto Rico. What the hell. The place was pretty much empty but we sat on the patio with our German cuisine and beer, watching the creepy Austrian owner intently staring at the two young German waitresses. Eventually a German band came out of nowhere and the girls were forced to traditionally dance, while the man salivated over them.

Meanwhile we kept drinking our beers and strategizing how we could get to the Bioluminscent Bay. This was a place a little to the South of us, where the algae in the bay lit up the water at night. There were kayaking treks you could go on to the middle of the bay, but they were all booked up. We were debating if we could find a place to go swimming in the water and after we finished our German meal, we set out to find out, picking up more beer at an authentic bodega along the way. The entrance to the bay turned out to be a park with a carnival and bands playing, with no one swimming in the water and signs warning us not to. But Politician Bro being Politician Bro, managed to convince one of the kayaking companies to let us join last minute. My stomach had starting churning even more and I was not feeling great, but before I could argue, I was strapping on a smelly lifevest and stepping into a kayak. We were part of a large group of Spanish-speaking people and were the only ones that didn’t. The guide assigned to us, the gringos, didn’t seem too pleased about it, but he was extremely attractive so I forgave him any bad attitude. Unfortunately, my stomach was grumbling even more and I was desperately hoping I could avoid being sick until we were out of the kayaks. This did not make for a very pleasant expedition into the bay for me. I was sharing a kayak with Politician Bro who would stop paddling without me knowing, and I was shit at steering the thing. Under normal circumstances I am decent at kayaking but this was far from normal. We were going through a narrow channel with huge tree branches hanging down on both sides, packed tightly into a group of screaming PR’s. It was pitch black except for one tiny light on the front of each boat. We were constantly smashing into other boats or the giant tree roots and I was close to pooping my pants. When we finally made it out into the channel, I was about to jump out of the boat to take care of business, but swimming was strictly forbidden and our hot guide was watching our unruly group closely. It is unfortunate that due to my condition I wasn’t able to truly enjoy what I was seeing—a giant bay of still, sparkling water, illuminated even more every time a paddle touched it. It was really pretty awesome.

I somehow made it back through the channel and onto dry land. Once my lifevest was removed I took off running towards the bathroom, which was pretty much the equivalent to an outhouse. It was an unpleasant experience to say the least. Afterwards, I staggered over to my friends, who were relaxing on the rocks next to the water, drinking beer and taking in the scenery. I sat next to them, feeling like I was going to faint and praying nobody asked me any questions about where I disappeared to. We headed back to San Juan soon after, with Politician Bro rambling the entire way. Atl and I could barely stand it but what could we say when he was letting us stay in his nice apartment for free? To be continued….