Pooper Rico Part 2

The next morning my stomach felt a little better, which was good since we were setting out early to go to our own private beach in Luquillo. Outside of the beaches are famous Puerto Rican food stands so of course we started our day with an authentic pina coloda before locating our beach. This proved a bit more difficult than we thought, since it was a nice day and the beaches were filled up. We ended up having to walk a ways, and one point were wading knee deep through the ocean. We eventually found our spot, which was off the beaten path and pretty far from a public restroom. But it was all ours and there was not a person in sight. We settled into our mini paradise and passed an hour or so sleeping and swimming. My stomach was getting progressively worse though and I was starting to panic. What the hell was I going to do?? The boys went for a walk and the churning grew unbearable. I knew I had to use this opportunity to take action. I could go in the water but since it was clear blue I figured that wasn't a good idea. So this being one of the lowest points of my life, I ordered Atl to keep watch while I dug a little hole for myself in the sand. I squatted over it and quickly took care of business, praying that no one would suddenly appear. I thank the good lord every day that I thought to grab some napkins at the food stands and then frantically threw sand to cover the hole. I ran into the water almost crying--half from relief and half from disgust with myself. Atl did not share the sentiment and was dying laughing at me. The boys emerged a few minutes later and found the two of us back on our towels, like nothing had ever happened. To this day they are none the wiser.

The scene of the dirty, dirty crime
The remainder of the afternoon was uneventful and when it started to get dark, we packed up to go. We set off on our walk and as soon as we started moving, my bowels did as well. I led the way as quickly as I could, knowing I needed to get to those public bathrooms asap. But the boys were stopping to take pictures of the sunset and I could not bear it any longer. I took off running to the bathrooms only to find them locked. At this point I was almost in tears and my secret was out. The boys knew what was up and immediately Politician Bro began to make fun of me, asking about my trip to "Pooper Rico". The only other option was going back to the food stands outside of the parking lot and I burst out of the car as soon as it stopped, like a bat out of hell. I ran into the first stand but the ladies room was occupied. I pounded on the door and a few unbearable minutes later an angry Puerto Rican lady emerged. I barreled past her and least had the luxury of being able to use a toilet this time.

Sidenote: For anyone traveling to Puerto Rico, PACK IMODIUM!

The boys wanted to explore the food stands but after my humiliating afternoon, I would do no such thing. I sat miserably on a bench until they were finished, with Atl keeping me company. On the ride back to San Juan, we stopped to pick me up gatorade and imodium, along with liquor and frozen pizzas, which I was actually able to enjoy without a problem later that evening. My health was back just in time because this was our big night out on the town. We opted to stay in Old San Juan and check out the bar scene there instead of going to the clubs by all the hotels. I was just excited to put on a summer dress and after pregaming for awhile, we headed out.

 It was a whirlwind tour, starting at the bar we had gone to the other night, another bar that looked like a cave, a club with a french dj playing with a $30 cover which we almost went to then did not, and then back to the first bar. It had become packed and people were spilling out onto the sidewalks and into the courtyard next door. I was excited to drink outside and some of Politician Bro's local friends were there. I thought one was pretty attractive but after my day of dehyrdration I wasn't exacty able to carry on a coherant conversation. I did however manage to talk to pretty much every guy in the bathroom line, which is where I spent a majority of my evening (just for peeing, luckily!). Finally Politician Bro decided that we should all go home, and I whined the entire way that it was early and we should stay out longer.

We certainly should not have, as we were all hungover as shit the next morning. It was another early one, since we were driving all the way across the landmass of Puerto Rico to get to Playa Sucia, one of the best beaches. I think all of us could've done without the drive and somewhere close to our destination we all decided we were feeling better enough to eat. My stomach was cured and I was ready to try some Puerto Rican cuisine, especially mofongo. The town we stopped in was eerily deserted and there wasn't another one for miles around. It looked like it was straight out of the 1950's and I felt like we were in the Rum Diaries. As I stepped out of the car into the hot sun, I was very aware of the outfit I had chosen that morning--70's style bright blue hot shorts from American Apparel and a neon green crop top. The Loveable Nerd nicknamed this my "beach costume".

There seemed to be about 3 food places in the entire town, but the only one that was open was the Chinese one. Not the best place to try mofongo but they had it and I ordered it. It tasted like chicken soup paste and Loveable Nerd couldn't even finish his. So there we were--the 4 of us, hungover, me dressed like an idiot, all of us laughing deliriously about god knows what, sitting in a Chinese restuarant in a random Puerto Rican town. Just an average day.

We finally made it to Playa Sucia and after exploring the cliffs and the lighthouse, headed down to the white sand beach, where we were the only tourists.




We spent a relaxing afternoon and were prepared to spend the evening, but this plan was foiled as soon as the sun started to go down. Little tiny bugs emerged from the sand and started to bite the hell out of all of us. We tried to take it, but ended up running for the car as quickly as possible. Nice beach day over. Not wanting to cut our time short, Politician Bro decided we were going to head to the surfing town of Rincon, which was on our way home. Once there, we pretended to be guests of one of the hotels so that we could use their pool, which had a swim-up bar. Of course there was a Puerto Rican wedding going on which we had to walk through awkwardly to get there (note I was still wearing my beach costume). At the bar, there was a man playing a guitar at an unbearable decibel but that didn't stop me from enjoying a delicious steak and a beer. Properly satiated, I started to fall asleep on the car ride home.

This did not last for long, as I woke up to us being stuck in the middle of a political rally. Puerto Rican elections were a couple weeks away, and PRs celebrated this event by parking their cars in the middle of the road, while blasting the radio, beeping the horn and waving flags. Of course, why wouldn't they? We were stuck in this shenanigan for over an hour, while Politician Bro screamed out the window that they would never get statehood and I feared for my life. We were finally able to get through when he told a cop that his wife aka Atl, was sick in the backseat. We resumed the drive, and I quickly fell back asleep to the lull of Politician Bro's story-telling.

We spent our final hours in Puerto Rico the next day back at the beach, this time at a local one in San Juan. It was just as nice as the others we had seen, even if it was a bit more developed. We then had a nice seafood dinner and a send off Pina Colada before Atl and I headed back to New York. We did achieve our goal of getting tan as shit and I got to shit outdoors, for the first and hopefully last time in my life.