"Holy Shit, There's a Hipster in my Bed!"

So now begins the epic 2 and a half weeks with my little Aussie Friend. We had studied abroad together in Germany a couple years ago and now she was doing her tour of the US. She had been in LA with our friend Baby J for a couple of weeks, traveling the West Coast, and now she was headed East. She was going to be staying with me for a week in New York before we headed off to our travels--meeting up with Baby J in San Fran and then off to Mexico City (that's right) to see another Germany friend. The Grand Tour.

I hadn't seen Little Aussie since she met me in Strasbourg for an emergency weekend away from where I was staying with that awful Swiss guy. I had been kind of a mess at that time so I wanted her to see me normal and happy. Or as normal as things can be in New York. So come the weekend, we were going out. Friday night we were headed to Williamsburg, to see a dj from LCD Soundsystem at Brooklyn Bowl. I figured this wouldn't be a neighborhood she would venture to on her own and it's fun to see. I had invited my guy friend from work as well, which would be the first time we had hung out outside of a work setting, but he claimed to like LCD Soundsystem. He met us and I was surprised to see that instead of a dj, they were playing a video of an LCD Soundsystem concert on a giant screen, with a bunch of people dancing to it. Little Aussie got a kick out of it but I couldn't help thinking this was a crock. But once Little Aussie treated us all to shots of Cafe Patron I determined that this was actually fun and cool. Work Friend and I were standing next to each other, both checking our phones, when a short, tubby girl behind us tapped us and said "Umm if you guys aren't going to watch, could you move??". Our reaction was perfectly executed--we both turned around, looked at her, and turned back to our phones without moving. She then huffed away and we cracked up.

Unfortunately, after a couple more drinks, shit started to get weird, as it always does at Brooklyn Bowl. Work Friend was getting closer to me as he talked and he let it slip that he didn't even really know LCD Soundsystem. He kept putting his arm around my waist. I was tensed up and trying to move away and he said "We work together, is this weird?" and I answered flatly--"Yes". A few minutes later he went to the bathroom and never came back. I received a text an hour or so later saying he was too drunk and had to go home. I see. I like Work Friend, for who he is--a friend at work, so there will be none of that.

You would think after that I would be out of the woods, but no no. I had somehow started texting with a guy I had a fling with in college. He moved away from NYC just when I moved here but now he was moving back for grad school. He was studying Creative Writing and was a total pompous dick. He had been sweet when I first met him at the end of my freshman year, sweet enough to cheat on my boyfriend with. He secretly talked throughout Sophomore year and when I went on a break with this boyfriend, we started a short fling, which ended when I got back together with my boyfriend. We hadn't talked much since and I hadn't seen him since literally 2005. So obviously he came to meet me at Brooklyn Bowl, when it was determined that he was in Williamsburg as well. I didn't know if I really wanted to see him but I was too drunk to determine much of anything at that point and was busy dancing to the dj who had actually gone on. He showed up and looked exactly the same, except bald. We had a few conversations I don't remember, while Little Aussie made fun of him secretly. When it was time for us to leave Little Aussie told me I had to get rid of him. I made up some story about where we were going and he grabbed me on the middle of the sidewalk and started to make out with me. Whoa dude, this may have been cool 7 years ago but it was not the case now. I endured it for a second, then said I would talk to him later and scampered away with Little Aussie, to head back to Manhattan.

Once there we found Atl, drunk as well. She had gone out with her friend who was visiting from Charlotte and it sounded like they had a better night than we did. She was also texting her secret New York love, Kevin, who mostly ignored her. She had made a breakthrough though and had actually gotten him to agree to come over. She ushered us into my room where I received communication from my elusive guy in New York as well--the Playboy. He had popped up out of nowhere and was texting me to come to his place at 5am. No way sir, not anymore. I responded saying he should come to my place, never thinking that he actually would. He must have been real desperate, because he agreed almost immediately, hopped in a cab and was on Avenue C 20 minutes later. I couldn't believe it. Little Aussie crawled into her bed on the couch, leaving the Playboy and me in my room together. We had a steamy makeout sess, but unfortunately for him, I still wasn't giving it up since he had put in zero effort for it. And good move, because like a true gentleman, he snuck out and left soon after I fell asleep. Fucking Playboy.

In the morning we all slept til an absurd hour and then rehashed the night before with Atl screaming "KEEEEVIN" intermittently throughout the conversation. Little Aussie and I headed to the Gugg for the afternoon returning later to nap and get ready for our second night out. We both had doubts on if we could make it, but Atl insisted that we had to meet up with her and her friend after they went to dinner. So I took Little Aussie to the Back Room, thinking it was good spot to show a friend visiting. Everyone else apparently thought so too and it was packed with foreign tourists. Despite how much I liked the speakeasy vibe and the drinks served in teacups, this place was played out. Luckily after wandering the LES for a bit, Atl summoned us to meet them at a bar in Chelsea. We arrived to find it empty and we sat trying to figure out our next move (after a round of Cafe Patron shots of course). We even debated going to a strip club that High School had invited us too, which Little Aussie was very excited about. But Atl's friend had invited one of her New York friends to meet her and suddenly a group of 8 guys was trucking into the bar to meet us. The night suddenly brightened.

They surprisingly nixed the strip club and we split up to take cabs to Bowery Electric. The cute hipster I had been talking to at the bar was sitting next to me and we continued to chat. Things were rowdy at B.E. and after Atl got screamed at by a bouncer for trying to cut in the bathroom line she pulled an Irish Exit and apparently got a ride home with a stranger. The rest of us were none the wiser and had a dance party among ourselves where lots of incriminating photos were taken. After awhile the group disbanded but I was not finished with our night so I dragged Little Aussie, Atl's friend, the cute hipster and his friend to the Wren. My memories of this are a little foggy but I know I sat and chatted with the hipster, apparently pulling all of this knowledge out of my ass about the craft beers they were serving and remembering none of it. I know I also got pissed when a creepy dude who had been talking to Little Aussie followed us to the Wren and then followed us out when we left. The creepiness had to stop and luckily hipster's friend told him he had to leave.

It was past last call at this point but when a random drunk dude approached us on the street and asked the hipster and me if we wanted to go somewhere for after-hours with him, we agreed. Why? We followed him and I thought we were all going to a party when he stopped in front of a dark building to make a call. Little Aussie and Atl's friend were yelling about something and dancing in the street when the door mysteriously opened and we were ushered into a dark entryway. The doorman slammed the door behind us, turned and began to scream at us that we needed to shut the fuck up and act classy when we came here. We all stood frozen, not really sure what to do. I wasn't about to try and get past this guy to leave now so we followed the drunk guy upstairs to a tiny bar. This was apparently called the KGB Bar and was in fact filled with old Russians, as well as some normal looking people. We were all a little unnerved about getting screamed at and the whole situation in general, so we drank our beers quietly in a corner. Little Aussie began to chat with the guys next to her about acting, but once we finished our drinks we decided it was time to get out of this creepy place. We all got up and filed out, one of us accidentally knocking over a bottle on our way. We rushed outside, glad that we had lived through that.

We were very close to my apartment and Cute Hipster and his friend followed us back. I was wondering wtf they were doing but I didn't say anything. We started to all have another drink in my living room when the move was made. Cute Hipster asked if he could see my room and it was all over. I agreed and a couple minutes later my door closed. We had officially left the party. I woke up in the morning, turned over and had a slight shock--"Holy shit, there's a hipster in my bed!" was my first thought. And hipster he was--nerd glasses, vans and a sassy attitude. He also used to live in San Francisco and was a Kindergarten teacher. Another unexpected fact-- he also had the biggest man part I have ever seen. I had refused to let it near me though, as is my MO lately--refusing to sleep with these guys. When I couldn't find my glasses, he told me that he had thrown them out the window because I wouldn't have sex with him. He was kind of an asshole but I did like his sense of humor.

We actually ended up going on a date a couple nights later. We walked the High Line and ate popsicles and chatted and I had quickly developed a crush on this cute little hipster. I was even willing to overlook the fact that he skateboards! But alas, I left for my trip a few days later. He texted me once during it, but when I returned he totally blew me off and I never heard from him again. I was disappointed, as I had already imagined the fun hipster outfits I could wear when we dated, but really could I have a future with someone who skateboarded to yoga class? So, in the words of Little Aussie, I never did find out if I "could take his huge wang".